Red Temptress

But even if the draft is restored, I will be sitting pretty. Emphasis on pretty. In short, as my ever-tactful editor so delicately put it, a primetime network broadcast of me merrily eating pussy couldn’t convince the United States military that I don’t love dick.

An adolescence of fey posturing; an adulthood of wearing women’s clothing and subtle affectations—it’s afforded a lot to this straight-as-an-arrow, effeminate, 22-year-old heterosexual man. A healthy dose of derision, an impossibly muddled love life, and even a couple of bloody noses. But thanks to my preemptive Cpl. Klinger act, when they do reinstate the draft and every other straight guy is shipped out, I’ll be at home playing homo. Blissfully unaware. ‘Cause somebody’s got to arrange the flowers at your funerals, fellas.

— zac pennington (via animal-vegetable-mineral-man)